Tuesday, 12 November 2013
Of Darkness and Light - and Ultimately of Love
As you know from my story, I was married to such an individual - a man I had truly believed was my soulmate. Since discovering the shocking truth four years ago, I've spent my time healing, reclaiming my life and sharing what I've learned with others in the hope they can benefit from my experiences.
Regular readers of this blog will know that I've been experiencing a series of profoundly personal 'ah-ha' moments over the past few weeks and months. It feels as though I'm on a path that's rapidly gathering speed. Demanding my attention and acceptance - and inviting me to surrender more and more to what really is. This might sound a bit airy fairy, so I'm going to do my best to explain as clearly as I can - because the realisation that's just dawned on me has brought the deepest sense of relief and peace I've ever experienced.
A few weeks ago I came in contact with a man who caused my world to skip a beat. I met him purely by chance (if there is such a thing) on a country lane and the connection was electric - so strong in fact, that as I walked away from the first 'hello' I burst in to tears and felt as though I'd literally walked through a vortex. My dear friend Anna was with me, and can testify to the impact just a couple of minutes in this man's company had on me. I wasn't sure what it was. It wasn't sexual, it wasn't what might even be called attraction. Nope, it felt different and somehow stronger... and I was fascinated. I said to Anna at the time "this is important and life-changing for some reason" and now I know that to be the truth.
He (let's call him John) it appeared, felt exactly the same... which was no surprise since the impact of our first meeting was so strong. He quickly arranged to meet up - it was inevitable. Within a few short hours in his company I recognised exactly what I was dealing with - yet I was neither afraid nor concerned. Simply fascinated. Because here in front of me, in my home, stood another one of those empty dark souls. Only this one was much stronger, much more skilled and much more confident than the ones I've met before. He knew what he was, and he also knew his strength.
I watched him using all his powers to charm and manipulate me and at the same time openly revealing himself to me with every single thing he was doing and saying. It appears we share very similar interests and a fascination with the world of personal coaching and healing, or so he said. He's personally spent time studying with one of the great authors I admire. He's visited places that I'd love to see - and he "loves helping people, that's his greatest passion". Of course it is! Oh, let's not also forget that his "skills are superior" to mine. His "experiences are greater", and the myriad of things he has to teach me are things I "couldn't possibly begin to comprehend at this stage of development"... his liquid caramel voice delivering each put down with a well practised soothing smile.
The mirroring, the word-salad, the diminishing, the shifting stories, the self-importance... all the signs I've learned to spot were all there, and many more. Well disguised and artfully delivered, but there none the less. He also openly gave many insights in to his interest in the dark arts, and even referred to himself as a serpent - testing me maybe? Jibing? Trying to frighten? Showing me he knows I see him? I don't know - and it doesn't matter. Because try as he might he just couldn't get me. In fact the more he tried, the more at ease and peaceful I became. And this, my dear friends... this has ultimately given me a massive oomph of clarity and freedom that I'd like to share with you right here and now.
I've written here before about some of my ideas about light and the darkness - I'd like to make the point crystal clear now in the best way I can. I believe in the existence of dark souls - because I've come across them more than once. I also believe that darkness itself has no power. No energy. No life. It merely exists in the absence of light. It is light that has power, that holds all the power in fact. A tremendous power that dissolves any darkness.
Imagine this if you will. A huge cave, thousands of metres wide, deep and tall. A place that's dark - pitch-black. Then imagine someone lighting a match.... In that mass of blackness, the light can be seen. It has life. It makes a difference. Now on the other hand, imagine a relatively small container (cardboard box? Empty jar?) filled with light - sunshine perhaps, or artificial brightness. It doesn't really matter. Now imagine a huge great mass of darkness entering in to the container (I know, I did say imagine!) - what would happen to it? Would it damp down or drown out the light? Would it smother the brightness? Would it even be noticed...? No. Because it can't survive in the light.
And that's my point. The dark cannot survive in light. And yet even the smallest pinprick of light can be seen in an endless ocean of darkness.
And this got me thinking. Because over recent years, as you know, I've been consciously living on what could be called instinct. I've allowed myself and my decisions to be guided by something deep within myself - a great and beautiful light that has become the basis of DeNA, and as a result my life has changed beyond recognition.
For a moment I questioned why this man had been brought to me, why I had felt that massive jolt and been moved to tears when I met him. Going back to that first encounter with John, I remembered how strongly I felt that our meeting was of huge importance - I just didn't know the details. So - if my ever-strengthening instinct is there to guide me, what on earth was it doing pushing me towards such a dark and empty person? Where is the good in that...?
I reminded myself of when I met the man I had called my soulmate all those years previously - and I remembered how strong the connection felt then. There have been times since discovering the truth about him when I've credited the connection to his power to mirror others. Put it down to his skills in attracting his target. Now, though, I had to accept the dawning truth... that is, that my instincts were and always have been right. They were never wrong. They never took me deliberately to be hurt - quite the opposite in fact. (I did warn you that this was going to be controversial!)
I now fully and utterly believe that I met with the empty souls in order to gain faith and trust in my own light within. That I was even guided there in order to shine brighter. Hasn't it been the case that since the truth emerged about my ex, I have become brighter, stronger and more confident than ever before? Isn't it true that through all the hardships and challenges I've learned to love and trust myself more than I could ever have dreamed possible before? Isn't it also true that I've woken up to so much beauty in the world that I didn't know even existed...?
So back to this latest encounter then. It's been a short swift powerful one - and was in many ways stronger in impact and personal growth than either the long journey with my ex, or the painful experiences with my guardian, whilst at the same time being very different from anything I've known before. The darkness and the threat was there just the same - perhaps even more powerful. But I recognised it very quickly, and knew the 'games' this individual was playing. Have you ever seen those cartoons or old comedy shows where one person is trying to punch another person, who simply keeps the adversary back by placing a hand on his head, keeping him at arms length from his body while he punches and flails at the air? That's what it felt like with John. And as his psychological punches kept coming, I kept feeling stronger, lighter and brighter. More peaceful and safe at his every attempt, knowing his antics couldn't touch me.
I've come out of this particular encounter neither damaged nor bruised - in any way whatsoever. Instead I've come out knowing without question that the light and love that exists within me (within all of us) is more powerful than any darkness. I now know I'm completely safe. I know I'm love. I know I'm light.
Many times I've said that I'm grateful to my ex because of the person I've become as a result of being with him - but I've never said thank you to his face because I've had no contact since I discovered the truth. With John I realised I had the opportunity to take things that one step further. So I thanked him. Warmly and with love. I thanked him for teaching me a valuable lesson that's now going to enhance my life further. For a second he was the jolted one. He seemed confused and asked me what he'd done. I responded in the best way I knew how...
"I truly believe that at some level you know how you've helped me. I see you. You see me. The lessons are done, and I wish you peace. Thank you and good bye"