Because no matter where, how or when something happens, I am becoming more and more aware of a feeling inside me that I can best describe as 'fizzly'. It's more than just plain fizzy... because to me that means champagne, or pop, or something like that. It's a kind of visual word that evokes pictures or objects, whereas 'fizzly' seems to encompass sounds and sensations as well. I wonder how many of us remember Spacedust, those packets of brightly coloured sweet tasting popping powder that we used to enjoy as kids? Or Spangles? Or Refreshers? Or Lovehearts...? (it is Valentine's day after all!). Well, the fizzling that I am referring to is like all of those put together... and then doubled :-)
All the time, I feel connected with the low, steady 'thrum' of the fizzle. There are times though, when this fizzling becomes so strong that I'm just not certain that I can contain all the energy within my body! Friends will vouch that there have been recent occasions where it's as though I'm literally bursting with it all - the grin on my face just keeps getting wider and wider, and neither deep breathing nor shaking it out seems to dull the sensation. I'm perfectly sure that there are currently moments when I'm probably almost impossible to be with, although I hope that is not too often the case! Thank you, my friends, for understanding.
So what, exactly, is causing this to happen? It is a number of things - and although they may appear separate or apart, they are all aligned in some way. I'm going to do my best to explain.
Firstly, I suppose, it's the feedback I've been receiving from people who have read my story. I was so very nervous when the book finally found it's way 'out there' and have been like a cat on a hot tin roof (Marty, you know exactly what I'm talking about!). I am equally blown away by comments from friends who hadn't known my full history, as by feedback from strangers who tell me how the book has helped them to make sense of stuff in their own life. To say I'm 'over the moon' is putting it mildly. For once, I can find no words to adequately describe how delighted and touched I am to know that I am able to reach others - even without meeting them or chatting with them. It's a huge honour, and I'm loving - absolutely completely and utterly loving - connecting with so many new people, knowing we share something in common! It makes everything worthwhile (the struggles, the pain, the magnitude of changes) and my sense of gratitude is continuing to build every day.
As well as that, I am hugely excited (and nervous) about the opportunities that are showing themselves. It feels like a whole new world - well, it is a whole new world in actual fact! Over the past couple of weeks I've been involved with radio interviews, I've completed another video shoot, I've completed an on-line interview (thank you Arvind), and I've been promoted by other people (thank you to Fishead and also to Lovefraud). There are other hugely exciting projects in the pipeline that I could never have dreamed of a couple of years ago! On top of that I have a new website, a new Facebook page, and a Twitter account that is finally working properly.
I've also been meeting some incredibly dynamic and energetic people, all of whom seem to 'fizzle' in a similar way to me. Aristotle's famous quote "the whole is greater than the sum of its parts" is so very true for me right now - strengthening existing connections and creating new as well... honestly, it's a dream come true!
I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. Equally I have no clear 'plans' of what to put in place - so much is shifting, and I'm simply enjoying every moment.
What I do know for absolute sure and certain is that this fizzling is just the beginning. It's the call (or the shove!) to an even more fulfilling life filled with more joy and happiness than ever before. The thing is though, I have a small persistent question that keeps tapping me on the shoulder and swimming around my brain. The niggling question is this... Will I be actually able to accept it all?
It's all so new, and all so different from what I've been 'used to' in the past...
In all truth, I don't yet know how I'm going to accept it all - then again, I don't think that the hows really matters. All I know is that the way I'm feeling now, I know in my bones and in my soul that I'm in the best place I've ever been in my entire life.
So please, let me make a declaration right here and now. I am loving this fizzly feeling - and I'll be doing my absolute darndest to learn how to accept every bit of joy that's heading my way....!!
What a fabulous challenge eh? Bring it on...!!