The change happened with the birth of my son when I was 30 years old. All of a sudden I started to consider that perhaps I was already good enough - in fact, perhaps I always had been. Through him I learned the meaning of unconditional love. I was enchanted and intoxicated by the exquisite and sometimes overwhelming feelings of gratitude and love I felt for this small defenseless person who utterly depended on me - and who absolutely trusted me to provide whatever he needed. And through my love for him, I finally realised for sure that my father would never have left me on purpose. I also began to understand that I had been holding on to a series of unhelpful subconscious beliefs that had shaped my life in to some less than positive twists and turns. So I embarked on my quest to consciously re-shape my life - a journey that is still continuing. I became a dedicated student of self-development and self-discovery in a bid to help me unravel the harmful lessons I'd absorbed through my earlier life.
Paradoxically, I was the strongest I'd ever been - emotionally, spiritually and physically - when I met Cam nearly three years later. At the top of my personal game, it never occurred to me that he was anything other than who he professed to be. Through my relationship with him I learned about commitment, contentment and the fulfillment of my life's dream - to be accepted and adored for who I was.
Despite the fact that since then I've discovered the grisly truth about him, those experiences are still mine to keep. Despite the fact that my feelings were never reciprocated, it doesn't matter a jot. I'm proud and grateful for those feelings. Because I felt them myself... honestly, willingly and with all of me. And I loved those feelings. And through what's happened since I discovered the truth, I have learned for certain that I am a good person. That I am enough. Because even though I could have crumbled as a result of his deceit, instead I've been able to draw on my strength and positive determination and I've pulled myself and Dylan through. On top of that I've grown further in the process - and am continuing to grow on a daily basis! So, as I've said before, I'm thankful for the deeply cleansing qualities of the whole ten-plus years he was an influence on my experiences. How on earth could I choose to feel anything else but gratitude?
And the most recent lessons from a man I've loved? Well, Simon has shown me the depth and breadth of the lessons I've been learning - and I know for sure that through our relationship, some old and deeply engrained patterns have shown themselves to have been finally shifted. I'm confident that those lessons are well and truly learned and absorbed - and there is no need for me to experience them ever again, at any level. And as for the thunderbolt of love I described at the summer festival? It remains with me to this day and is mine to keep for ever. Because, as I said at the time, it came from something bigger than the both of us, and stirred something deep within me that had not been reached before - at least, not on a conscious level. The power and innocence of that love meant I could love safely with Stuart - deeply and honestly. And at the same time be authentic to myself - something I'd failed to do previously in countless other relationships, be it with friends, family or lovers. So thank you, my Chevalier, for helping me on so many levels that will positively shape my life going forward. Thank you also for an on-going friendship that I know will stand the test of time.
So who is this person? Well, it may come as no surprise to learn that this person is me. Yes, little old me – Mel Carnegie. Here it is, and here I am. And I'm now very happy to announce to anyone who cares to listen, that I’m in once again in a committed and deeply loving relationship. But this time, it’s with myself. And right now, that’s the most important relationship in the world.