But I've decided it's something else. And yup, for anyone remotely familiar with the chakras, all this is happening around my Solar Plexus Chakra, which governs personal power, ego, physical energy and self-identity. Aahhh... self-identity indeed.... well - no surprises there then eh?
The colour associated with it is yellow (very Top Banana) and the suggested meditation to clear and open this particular chakra is to visualise a yellow orb filling the area with healing yellow light (just exactly as the business is growing and attracting more clients).... hhhmmmm..... perhaps there are indeed methods in these madnesses I've been experiencing over the past couple of weeks?
Something weird happened on Monday you see, another quite extraordinary coincidence. And I'm getting the message loud and clear that I am indeed guided and supported in life - and that there's a far bigger story going on than I could ever begin to imagine.
Because on Monday I received an email out of the blue from someone I met seven years ago when I was in Australia for my friend's wedding (her sister was Tanya, my best friend from childhood who had died a couple of years earlier). I was only there for a few days, and whilst there I met Dave, their cousin, who'd flown over from the UK as a surprise to the family. It was at the time when I was trying to settle in to our new life in France and still reeling from Cam's first betrayals. Dave seemed to be experiencing similar challenges at the time, and very quickly he and I just clicked. We were only there together for a couple of days, but we took every possible opportunity to chat, often through to the wee small hours, sharing our confusion in the hope we could both make some sense of our parallel circumstances. It was a magical and cathartic experience in a time of great uncertainty, and I know that both of us felt a positive connection.
We emailed a couple of times after that, but we both had our own lives to lead. Cam was also a very jealous person, and any contact from an unknown male was not tolerated - the irony is not lost on me, although I now recognise it as typically controlling behaviour in an abusive relationship. So, while there was nothing to hide, it seemed easier just to let things drift. And that's the way things stayed. Until Monday.
The email was titled "Simply Hi" and it appears Dave had decided to clear out some old connections on a business website, following an email prompt at the weekend. Something which, he added, he would normally have just deleted - but for some reason he didn't. I responded, and a few emails later we'd arranged to meet up for dinner the following day (last night). The coincidences here are really quite uncanny:
- Dave lives very close to the airport I was flying in to - one I never normally use.
- I'd mistakenly booked my flight a day early, meaning that I had a free evening
- Tanya's parents (his aunt and uncle) are over from Australia for the first time in four years and both of us are due to see them in the next week or so
- Plus, of course, the original fact that he didn't just automatically delete the reminder email in the first place
And more than that, I learned a lot more last night. Because I felt safe chatting with him. So I knew I could share anything and he would not judge or criticise. And I allowed myself to accept his compliments and reassurances. My barriers now gone, as you know, it actually felt good to share what's happening, together with my deepest expressions of hope - and doubt - at the transformations I'm experiencing in my life. It was OK to say that I'm feeling really tired. It was OK as well to say that in another way I'm energised as a new (or, actually, very old and forgotten) part of me comes to life. It was OK to explain there are still many battles to face, and also OK to express my delight at the way my life is coming in to shape. It was OK as well to confess that, while I'm scared about all sorts of things I'm putting in to place with the business right now, I'm also confident that the service I'll be delivering will be countless times better than the stuff I used to do before. It was also OK to say that right now I feel like curling up for a while and allowing myself to be looked after. To be nurtured and spoiled by someone. To give up the fight and just let go for a while. Perhaps I can do that next week when I get back home?
You see, last night I didn't have to protect myself. I didn't have to impress. I wasn't on show. I could speak freely and truthfully. I could express my fears, as well as my hopes - and the achievements I'm proud of, without sounding boastful. For here in front of me was a man without an agenda. A man who just cared and who was prepared to listen. A man I met briefly and connected with all those years ago and who now, I'm certain, will remain a close friend and ally perhaps for the rest of my life.
And I truly feel that the inner battle is now subsiding, and that gentleness is taking it's place. This morning the pain in my guts has released. I'm feeling centered once again. I'm sensing a new expression building within me - an energy that is opening my heart and pumping life through my veins. It's as though the old shell, the fortress I had built is finally crumbling, and even the foundations are shifting. The tiredness and exhaustion came from resistance - because that castle took a long long time to build and it sure didn't want to be moved. But now it's happening. And in it's place the green shoots of a new paradise are forming.
In my mind's eye I can see the green meadows ahead of me. I can smell the blossom on the trees. I can feel the sun on my back and the wind in my hair as I run barefoot through my new home. I am finding my freedom at last. I am free to be me.
The fortress was very cleverly constructed, you see, although it's only now that I can appreciate that fact. For it was designed so that I could watch through the windows and learn the harsh lessons of life from a position of safety. It meant I could protect myself from lasting harm - the ever-increasing barriers and growing army of soldiers made sure of that. And as I learned and watched, I grew. But I grew safely. Warm and secure in my own castle.
But now I know. Now I'm ready. I no longer need the protection of my castle nor of my armies, for I am well equipped myself.
But you know what? I have no need to fight anymore. For what I have now, that no castle or army of soldiers could ever have, is pure love in my heart, trust in my soul and hope in my spirit. A deep and innocent love that was locked away so many years ago. One that, perhaps, would have remained locked away had I not experienced the past few months - once again, I thank you Cam for creating this opportunity. It would appear that your betrayal and deception have served me well.
The castle has gone. The little girl is free. She may stumble and fall along the way, but she'll get right back up again and she's gonna have so much fun along the way!
You know what? Top Banana and Mel Carnegie were pretty damned good back then - but as for now... well... just hold on to your hats cos the adventure hasn't even started yet!
Mel is dead. Long live Mel. "You've been gone, too long, welcome, you're home once more!"