...is where I'm feeling today. Well, not everyday is going to have a Pollyanna outlook - I'm pretty sure even she had her occasional bad hair days, they just didn't make it in to the book or the film!
It's not that my life is bad - or that I've lost the plot. Nope, it's just that I am feeling flat out drained and exhausted. Nothing has changed, there are no more shocks or bad news items to report... it's just that I'm feeling the need to curl up in to a ball and escape from "all of this"... whatever "this" is. I'm also hormonal at the moment, which I know is making me feel a little more vulnerable and raw than most days!
I was reminded last night, during a surprisingly emotional telephone call, that once you reach the top of the hill, it's natural to feel tired and drained. And of course that is perfectly correct. Kind and wise words from a very kind and wise friend.
Yes, I can now fully acknowledge that am surely at the brow of my particular hill - which, at times, has felt higher and steeper than the tallest mountain! I also fully acknowledge that compared to so many people in the world, and the hardships they have to face on a daily basis, that my trials are small fry. Totally minuscule by comparison. And I am aware every single day that I have a huge amount to be grateful for - and more and more things to add to my gratitude list with every passing day. So yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, my battles are tiny. And most of the time that perspective helps me to carry on. Today, though, it's not helpful to me. For today I feel the need to let my feelings out. To acknowledge the exhaustion and aloneness that I'm feeling. So today I am honouring those emotions and letting them make themselves known.
I know that if I were with a friend who felt this way, I would tell them it's OK. I'd say it is a natural process. And I would sit with them and hold space with them. If they wanted to talk, I'd listen. If not, then I'd still listen. And hold the silence with them. For that's what it's all about isn't it? This whole idea of being true to ourselves, of being authentic in our life? We are wise to acknowledge our true emotions, allow them to exist, and give them the freedom to move through in the way they must to help us heal. I know the damage pent up or denied feelings can have on a person - I've witnessed the evidence too many times through my work.
So, acknowledgement of all emotions, including the "negative" ones, is what authentic means to me. And today I've decided to treat myself as my very best friend, and allow my feelings to come to the surface. Good, bad, positive, negative - whatever label anyone may choose to give, I'm just letting myself be. And, as this blog is continuing to help me through this particular journey, it seemed only natural to write about what's happening.
It's true. I have expended so much energy turning my life around - and in the process grown fitter and stronger than I ever dreamed could be possible. I've had so very much to deal with - it's been relentless... the slow moving monster of my childhood nightmares, moving ever towards me no matter how fast or how far I run, or how many times I destroy it. Still it keeps coming back like the Terminator - but without Arnie's humour! There have been so many battles to fight. So much to change. So much to save and nurture. And now, today, I recognise that my reserves need replenishing. I have no more fight left in me. To be honest, I don't really know what more I can possibly do to improve my situation, because I believe I've done (and am continuing to do) everything within my power to move forward. And yes, I absolutely am now at the top of the hill.
And this is the rock and the hard place I refer to in the title. I have the vision, the commitment, the certainty that everything IS good. That I AM guided. That I AM safe. That I AM heading in exactly the right direction. And at the same time, I feel it's necessary and helpful to acknowledge that, quite frankly, here and now, I am feeling like shite. Because, if I fight that feeling, then I'm denying my self. The trick is, though, to observe the feelings without wallowing. Without falling in to the pit. Without losing sight of the goal. Without forgetting the massive progress I've already made, and am continuing to make.
I THINK I'm doing OK with this process - I certainly know I'm dealing with things in a very different way from ever before. I seem to have found a way to feel what I'm feeling - fully and without judgement - and also let the feelings pass. It's like I'm an observer, if you like. I'm absolutely aware it's all going on, and I'm allowing the emotions to happen. The difference is, unlike previous times, I'm neither denying them ("Stiff upper lip, Melanie! Can't let the buggers grind you down!") nor am I allowing them to engulf me. So I'm not in denial, nor am I a victim - the rock and the hard place.
So where am I? I'm questioning. I'm exploring. I'm noting what's happening. I'm curious. And I hope I'm learning in the process.
I'll let you know how I get on....!