... I can feel you now. And I know that you're afraid... afraid of us. You're afraid of change. I don't know the future. I didn't come here to tell you how this is going to end. I came here to tell how it's going to begin...
That is one of my favourite quotes from The Matrix, and Top Banana used it as part of a presentation to open a conference to teach some area managers the rudiments of coaching. And I am using it now because I know for sure that this blog is now being read by my estranged husband. So I thought I'd say hello in a style that would be sure to grab his attention.
Yes, it's true... once I found out he was watching me I considered shutting the blog down again. I worried that perhaps it might give him some kind of sick hold over me again. And then I decided to stand proud. I decided that I have nothing to hide. And there's nothing that he can do now to hurt me. I'm free. You see I am not afraid anymore. This blog is MY voice, it's MY journey, and it's MY truth. And the truth will always out in the end.
I can't begin to guess his reasons for suddenly taking such an avid interest in what I'm doing. After all, he hasn't given me or Dylan a backwards glance since the day I found out the truth about him. And yes, I've been through hell and back in the days and months that followed. At times it has felt as though I have been trapped inside my own matrix, and insanity has felt never less than a heartbeat away. I had loved him with all my heart and with all my soul. I believed he loved me too, you see, and the shock at discovering the depth of his betrayal and deceit was just about enough to kill me.
I didn't know who I could trust. I worried that perhaps everyone else had known what was going on. I felt ashamed and stupid for not seeing what had been going on right under my nose - for years - how could I have been so blind? I couldn't sleep. Some days I could hardly breathe. The pain was indescribable, and my days were spent wading through treacle and trying to keep my head above the quicksand that was threatening to drag me down in to the abyss. Dylan and I both stuck together like glue, and together we worked our way through the mire. Together we made sense of a tortuous situation that forced us to realise that our family life had been nothing but a sham - and so inconceivable that there have been people who simply cannot take the whole truth on board.
And I missed him. Terribly. Heart-wrenchingly. I missed his touch, his smell, his voice. The smile and the face I knew and loved so well. The way he would hold me. The way our bodies just seemed to fit together so well. The way he walked. Even the noise he made when he cleared his throat - I always said I could pick him out from a mile away just from that sound!
Yes, there would have been a time when I would never have wanted him to know the pain and destruction his actions have caused. There would have been a time when I would have wanted to keep everything quiet. Damage limitation and all that malarkey.
And yes, I've questioned whether there can be any threat to him now reading my stories. Perhaps smiling, sneering, thinking he's had such power over me. Perhaps he takes some kind of sick pleasure in reading my stories of soul-searching and making sense of my shattered life.
So yes, the questions have been running around and around my head, and I have thought long and hard about what I was going to do. And I've decided through it all that I'm sticking exactly where I am. For I am now safe from harm, and beginning to live the life of my dreams. I decided that that this blog, my story, my life is just that. MY life. And I'm never going to shut up, bow down, hide or apologise ever again. I did that for far too long.
And you know what? Now I'm glad of it. Glad of the opportunity to clear out ALL the old shit. Not just the rubbish I'd accumulated over 11 years with my so-called soulmate, but also all the other emotional baggage I hadn't realised I had been carrying. I'm GLAD I was on my knees, and I'm proud of myself for doing so. For it was MY strength of character that allowed me to go there - not HIS perceived power over me. So, as I said in a previous post, thank you Cam. Thanks for leaving just enough of a trail for me to find you out. For had I not discovered the truth I would be in a very different place right now.
Now I am free. Now I know for certain what it's like to feel secure. To feel loved. To feel inspired to dream big and have the self-belief to follow those dreams. I've started now, and nothing and no-one can stop me.
I don't know how this is going to end. I'm here to tell you how it begins. For I have changed, and life will never be the same again.