Wednesday, 20 January 2010
The Winds Of Change...
...are surely blowing my way, and bringing such a sweet feeling of relief! After months and months of battles in the wilderness, at last I can feel that things are changing for the better.
These changes, though, unlike many before, are slow, safe and solid. For the first time in my life, I feel that new foundations are being built - not a shell, but a new depth of strength and security, right from the core of my soul. And you know what? Bizarre though it may seem, I'm actually beginning to get a sense of deep gratitude for my recent struggles - and, indeed, those of the past - for now I feel at peace. The struggles have at last brought me to a place of clarity and in a better position than I can ever remember.
Yes, the financial issues are still there - but they seem somewhat insignificant now. For, in the place of fear and stagnation is a newfound confidence and energy. It's not gregarious. It's not out to prove anything or shock anyone. It's not loud or "in your face". It's not there even to make a point. It's now something that's now resonating both inside and outside of me at a constant low pitched hum - making me feel a little like the Ready Brek kids with their warm red glow.
So what's happened? What's changed?
In truth, I'm not sure which came first, the chicken or the egg. I'd like to think that by changing my inner world, it has been responsible for making changes in my outer world - perhaps, though, it's been a little bit of osmosis from both parts? All I do know is that I'm no longer daunted by the road that lies ahead of me. I feel ready and able to face the obstacles I must overcome to finally free myself from Happyman and the mess he's left. But that's all it is now, just a mess - nothing more and nothing less. And messes can be cleared away. It's funny, because now I cannot even begin to imagine how my life was when he was around - not even remotely. The life I had then, the person I was then, is foreign to me. Interestingly, Dylan said exactly the same thing this weekend. I made reference to "Cam" about something - and he looked at me momentarily confused. "Oh, him!" he'd said "I'd forgotten he had a real name - it seems as though he was never here!" I chuckled, as once again my wise son hit the nail on the head.
For perhaps that's key - indifference is THE difference? Perhaps, for me, I've finally "let go" by completing the mourning process properly for the first time? Perhaps the on-going battles have given me the opportunity to clear up old messes as well as the present stuff?
Allow me to explain...
During my lifetime of study and self-development, I've often had the instinct that perhaps there was still something left to deal with around the sudden death of my beloved father when I was just four years old. Until recently I believed that I'd already explored every part of that situations - that I'd gone in to every emotion and healed every wound. But the gift that has come out of my husband's worst betrayals, is that I've been given the opportunity to explore all those emotions again - and found a new freedom as a result. For, like my father, Cam was everything to me and I adored him with all my heart and with all my soul. And like my father, he disappeared overnight with no warning and no recourse.
My pain and fury have at times been almost overwhelming. I didn't know that such strong emotions existed. I'd locked away the intensity and power of feelings from my childhood for fear I would literally die from the devastation should I ever open the floodgates. But this time it was as if I had no choice. This time, each new battle, each new test or piece of unexpected bad fortune, has forced me to feel fully - heart, mind, body and soul. And boy it's been hard work...! This time, though, I've also been open to the love and support that surrounds me. This time I haven't shied away. This time I've let myself fall and get up - over and over and over again. But then, as babies, didn't all of us followed exactly this same process so that we could learn to walk?
And now I'm walking. Tall, strong and with a new perspective. Confident that I'm on the right path, and that everything in my life has led me to this moment. And I feel healed - although, I must confess, I hadn't been aware that I was "sick" in any way.... I just know that now I feel better.
Perhaps, at last, I'm no longer waiting for my hero to come home. For perhaps now, I've finally realised that I can face life on my own two feet.