"When you can acknowledge the relationship from the perspective of being 100% responsible for having created it, if even by just being able to locate exactly when, where and how you gave your power away"
Interestingly, yesterday and Friday afternoon were surprisingly tough for me. Old stuff kept coming up (along with new discoveries of his activities) and I allowed myself to feel hurt, tired, confused and all those other emotions that have been my regular house guests over the past few weeks.
Saturday morning, an innocuous email gave me details of an online car club of which he is a member, where he'd described himself in his profile (beginning of January this year) as being, along with other things, single and solvent (neither of which were true). This reconfirmation of his duplicity for some reason sent me in to a bit of a tail spin - inviting the self-torture questions to resurface, cackling and circling like old crones "How could he do this to me - to us? What did I do to deserve this? Where did I go wrong? If he wanted out why couldn't he simply say so? Why has he been so cruel?"
All of these, I know, are gremlins to the sane and focused mind, but I, like anyone else, can also be caught up in the wind tunnel of negativity - and the pull can be very strong indeed. Particularly, I've found, when I'm caught unawares.
So there I was, fighting with witches and craning my head towards the light, pulling against the g-force strength of the whirling tunnel and the jaws of despair.
Matt, my dearest friend and 'guru' reminded me gently that it's not about me, it's about him - and allowed me to shed my tears. This threw me a life-rope to catch my thoughts and lovingly bring me back up to the surface.
And I thought. And I thought. And I thought.
I knew it wasn't 'about me', and at the same time I also on a soul level that in fact it was. So I pondered, and decided to leave my mind to work it through, as I got on with normal daily life. Trusting that an answer would come.
Then along came the automated email today. Like yesterday's email, it seemed innocuous. I read it through with only a small level of interest, and even read through the phrase I highlighted at the beginning of this post. And all of a sudden I felt just the tiniest of 'ah-has' that suddenly meant I could get clear - because I KNEW when it was I gave up my own power - I can even remember the place, the time, the setting and the conversation.
It was right in the beginning of our relationship and I'd said to him that, if ever he found anyone better than me he was to go (genuinely thinking I was being strong, unconditionally loving and magnanimous - doh! There's hippy strong, and then there's hippy dippy - and that, in hindsight, was excruciatingly dippy). His response was a sneer, together with the words "Well, if you can say something like that, then you obviously don't love me as much as I love you".
I felt a huge punch in the stomach at the time, like a huge hollow thud - but rather than take that as any message from my higher self that I didn't need to put myself down, I decided and committed there and then to convince him that I loved him more than anything in the world. And from that moment on I gave up my power.
And through that realisation, today, I am indeed more free than ever before. And, as in my previous posts, I am indeed now calling in my spirit.
I gain a huge amount of strength from the knowledge that, even in the face of having given away so much of my power, over the past decade I have still been able to work with and help hundreds of people to improve their lives. And now, calling in my spirit and reclaiming my power, well, I'm inspired with the idea and potential of what I can now achieve through my work.
The automated email finishes with this phrase: "When it comes to creating more love in our lives, we stand ready, like Samuria Warriors, to release all that is not love from our hearts"
Well here I stand, in honour and in love, one strong, powerful and inspired Samurai Warrior - bring it on!
(The email, by the way, was generated by www.CallingInTheOne.com - check them out, they're the real deal!)